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Internet Book of Shadows, (Various Authors), [1999], at sacred-texts.com
1531
Weasel Wicca: a Toon Trad
by fara Shimbo, Diane Darling and the European Land Otters
(Green Egg, Issue 95, Yule '91, p. 21.)
The Great Mothers of this tradition are Galanthus, who was
turned into a weasel for lying to Juno; and Eris, both Goddess and
Ferret incarnate, who are IN CHARGE.
This is the Holy Sacred Oath of the Weasel Tradition:
"I don'tbelieve anythingunless Iwant to.Mymind issubject
to change within reason and without notification at any time. We will
always have Paris. (But not paris of sox.) I can do without my socks.
Other than that there are absolutely no absolutes."
Sacred Objects of the Weasel tradition include:
* A Floppy Witch Hat (double sided, single density)
* The nearest operational refrigirator
* Dirty Socks
* Tubes made of cardboard or plastic
* Rubber erasers and squeaky toys
* Loud plastic bag and ping pong balls
* The Golden Apple of Eris
* Silk Top hat.
In order tobe initiated into the WeaselTradition, a new ber-
serker must:
* Co-habit with a Ferret; at least one.
*Acquireyourtoolsin
asomewhatless-than-entirely-scrupul-
ous manner- stopping short of Genuine Theft. Use your imagination.
*Sacrifice aSock toGalanthus. Itmust bea goodSock, one
you wouldn't otherwise throw away, and you must have the other one in
your possession.
* Bake some holyFhood, with Weasel Help,which includes
raisins and chocolate chips.
*Write aritual containingat leastthree thingswhich are
obviously or blatantly lifted, word for word, from somewhere else.
Anywhere else.
* Let a weasel lick your lips while you sing:
The Weasel Help Song:
Everyone needs Weasel help,
Weasel Help, Weasel Help
Everyone needs Weasel help,
to get them through the day!
I don't need no Weasel Help,
Weasel Help, Weasel Help,
I don't need no Weasel Help,
no matter what you say!
The Sacred Holidays of the Weasel tradition are any holidays
which have even the slightest thing to do with Fhood.
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A Weasel Wiccan Witual
======================
Participants infloppy witch hatsenter, bearing theHoly Fhood
and Drinkh. Arrange tastefuly around altar area. Prominent should be
the Golden Apple of Eris, which is set upon the altar by itself.
Call Watchtowers, lighting quarter candles at each. Suggestion
invocations:
EAST,being Air,signifies mediaand masscommunications. Invite
the Marx brothers, Firesign Theatre, Douglas Adams, and Robert Anton
Wilson, and, of course, the Illuminati, as representatives of Chaos.
(Squeeze squeaky toys)
SOUTH, for Fire, signifies fidelityto ideals. I suggest John
Lennon and our witch ancestors, whose bravery in defense of the Sacred
Right To Be Strange led to the ultimate sacrifice. May we be as brave,
but luckier. (Hide the Matches.)
WEST,for Water, signifies herethe Waters ofLife, ie: Bhooze.
Invite W.C. Fields along with Dionysius and Osiris (inventors of wine
and beer, respectively.) (Slug some eggnog.)
NORTH, for Earth, signifies the Ultimate Mystery: Life, the
Universe and Everything. Toast the Mystery itself and invite it to
relax, take off its cloak and join us for awhile. (Hide a cookie.)
And to provide a fifth point: SKY, for Eris, Our Mother,Lady
Luck Herself, Lady of Chaos and Dealer of the Inside Straight. Hold up
the Golden Apple, hail Her enthusiastically and invite Her to the
party.
Close theCircle, whichis,of course,semi-permiable toweasel--
kind.
Lightaltarcandle; assume*ahem* seriousdemeanor. Whoeveris to
read, don silk hat and drape a sock for a priest's vestement. Proceed:
"For unto us is born a Saviour, who is Coyote, Pan, loki, Raven,
Dionysius, and Robin Hood; to save us all from Santa's power when we
have come to play, o tiding of chocolate and toys. And Io, neither is
his Mother a Virgin, for She believeth in a good time. And when He
came forth, She wrapped him in a National Enquirer and cradled him in
her top hat, which holdeth all the stars of all the skies plus 500
foolproof card tricks; and the Wise came to Marvel (and to DC) because
indeed and forsooth, they knew trouble when they beheld it."
And Eris, the Great and Terrible, said to her son:
"Kid, this is a special occasion; how should we celebrate?"
And the TinyOne spoke, surprising all butthe Mother of the
Unexpected:
"let's have lots of Fhood, and create the most chaotic and
demented animal of all to play with. And since I have a feeling that
this party will be repeated many, many times, let's make that a rule:
anyone celebrating My birthday should do the same. For I am the Glitch
and the Song and the Gambler's Luck, and I love Surprises--which will
never be lacking with Them around. Let them do this in honor of Me."
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And Eris was pleased and created The Weasel (hold one up).
"This is the SacredWeasel, beloved little monster, honored
pest, dearest of Holy Terrors and Agent of Entropy Everywhere. May it
always remind us that Eris and the Kid love Surprises."
(Holdup plateof cookies:)"This isthe HolyFhood; weshare it
in Their names, and with the wish that we should always keep Life as
interesting and strange as possible."
(Hold upHoly Bhooze:)"This isthe HolySpikedEggnog; weshare
in with the understanding that reality can always use a little bend-
ing."
Share all,generalhailing,toasts,silliness,woozlesnoozling,
tricks and demonstration of weasel arranging. Guard honored guests of
all species from overindulging in and/or diving into eggnog. Songs
excellent idea.
Open circle whenever you feel like it.
=================================================================
Fara Shimbo, an ethologist living outside Boulder, Colorado with her
husband Robert, ferret, Ruby, Siamese cat, mong, and Thoroughbred
Hunter, Oficial Dude (AKA Chewie). She is main honcho of _Ferret unity
and Registration Organization (FURO)_, a weasle warrior of reknown and
author of "The Ferret Book" (see review GE83) and, with Bill Phillips,
of _Ferrets and the New Inquisition_, published by the California
Domestic Ferret Association (Box 1861, healdsburg, CA 95448. She is
editor-in-chief of _The Weasle Help Monthly_, (wonderful!) newsmagazi-
ne of FURO, available by joining FURO, PO Box 18193, greensboro, NC
27419.
1534
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