Fiction

The following was found on a laptop computer bought at a market in the east end of a certain city.

Report of the meeting held on 1 April 2008 at Erewhon House.

Colonel S - Our Embassy in London reports that Scotland may break away from the United Kingdom and become a rich little oil state like Norway.

As you all know, we have an interest in Scotland's military bases and in its oil.

We have invited Colonel J to update us on plans to destabilise Alex Salmond's Scottish National Party.

Colonel J - Gentlemen, we have a number of assets within the Scottish media. They will be presenting Salmond and his party as friends of the 'terrorists'.

Colonel S - Salmond is against the Iraq War. That doesn't make him a terrorist.

Colonel J - Salmond's government in Edinburgh has been praised by Iran for its anti-war stance.

So we get our friends in the Scottish press to present Salmond as a friend of the terrorists who kill Scottish soldiers in Iraq.

Salmond is to be seen as a friend of the mullahs and an enemy of the West.

Colonel S - Just how much money does Scotland get from England?

Colonel J - Scotland actually pays its own way and could become the third richest state in Europe. At least half the oil is still left.

However, we want to get our journalist friends to get across the message that an independent Scotland would be so poor that it would be seeking economic help from countries like Venezuela or North Korea.

Colonel S - What's the Moslem situation in Scotland?

Colonel J - There's 60,000 of them and they're mainly from a moderate part of the Indian sub-continent. However, we have some Moslems recruited to our organisation.

Mr Osama bin Liner - I think we need to mention the Caliphate and Sharia law.

Colonel S - Just refresh our memories.

Mr Osama bin Liner - The Caliphate was the old Turkish Empire, which collapsed in 1924. It was a bit like the European Union, a mixture of peoples.

Colonel S - The Caliphate is unlikely to be revived?

Mr Osama bin Liner - I cannot see the Turks joining up with the Kurds; or the Moroccans with the Algerians; or the Shias with the Sunnis; or the Malaysians with the Indonesians.

Colonel S - What's your view on Sharia?

Mr Osama bin Liner - The aim of Sharia is supposed to be a peaceful society where there is the freedom to practise religion. The old Turkish empire was actually quite civilised and tolerant. However we can emphasise the eccentricities of those extremists we keep in power in Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia.

Colonel J - There is a certain Scottish Moslem called Mr Ali Baba.

Osama bin Liner - Ali Baba has spoken out strongly against terrorists and terrorism.

Colonel J - Ali Baba has spoken in favour of the idea of a caliphate, a sort of Moslem common market. Ali Baba has links to an organisation which has links to the Moslem Brotherhood.

Colonel S - We have friends in the Muslim Brotherhood, of course. They have helped us topple certain leaders. So, tell us more about Ali baba.

Colonel J - Ali Baba might just become the Scottish National Party Memeber of parliament for the Scottish constituency of Kelvinistan.

Colonel S - Ah, can we discredit the Scottish National party because it has a Moslem as a candidate?

Mr Osama bin Liner - The Labour Party has Mohammad Sarwar as its Moslem Member of Parliament for Glasgow Central. His son Anas Sarwar hopes to follow his father.

Colonel S - Are we thinking here of some terror incident that can be blamed on someone in an important position within the Scottish National Party?

Colonel J - We have ...

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TOM GALLAGHER: Salmond must shun Iran

Tom Gallagher is a research fellow at the National Endowment for Democracy in Washington DC

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